November 23, 2012

The following LOVERS motto is the essential foundation of any marriage, whether a first or second time around:



                                  V…….value of trust



                                  S…….stability of commitment

Please take this “LOVERS” quiz to help you evaluate the LOVERS health of your marriage, as a first or second wife:

_____1.  I feel that my husband has a lot of respect for me.

_____2.  My husband is totally committed to me.

_____3.  I feel that my husband doesn’t listen to what I have to say.

_____4.  I am completely committed to my husband and our marriage.

_____5.  My husband is a very upstanding person.

_____6.  I want to know everything that’s on my husband’s mind.

_____7.  My husband is not very honest with me.

_____8.  I’ve never thought that I made a mistake marrying my husband.

_____9.  Frequently, I’m too angry with my husband to try to understand him.

____10.  I am frequently bad-mouthing my husband to my friends because I find it hard to

accept him as he is.

____11.  My husband sometimes puts me down in front of family or friends.

____12.  I usually admire my husband’s character.

____13.  I have to be careful of what I tell my husband.

____14.  My husband is always there for me.

____15.  I’d back my husband through thick and thin.

____16.  I am my husband’s priority in life.

____17.  I find it scary to be emotionally or physically intimate with a man.

____18.  My husband keeps his feelings to himself.



_____Numbers 14, 15, 16   Marking all 3 “true” indicates a long-lasting duo with much

        “loyalty”.  (Score 1 point for each “true”)

_____Numbers 13, 17, 18   Marking all 3 “false” means that “openness” (communication) is

        great! Be happy!  (Score 1 point for each “false”)

_____Numbers 6, 7, 11   Marking all 3 “false” means that “value of trust” is strong.  (Score 1

        point for each “false”)

_____Numbers 3, 9, 10   Marking all 3 “false” indicates that “empathy” is strong in your

        marriage.  (Score 1 point for each “false”)

_____Numbers 1, 5, 12   Marking all 3 “true” means that “respect” is alive and well.

         Wonderful! (Score 1 point for each “true”)

_____Numbers 2, 4, 8   Marking all 3 “true” means that your “stability of commitment” is

         perfect.  Congratulations!  (Score 1 point for each “true”)

_____Total points

                                                         LOVERS NEGATIVES

Marking any or all of 14, 15, 16 “false” means that you may be questioning the values of your marriage and the “loyalty” may be an issue.

Marking any or all of 13, 17, 18 “true” tells you that “openness” (communication) could be a problem.

Marking any or all of 6, 7, 11 “true” indicates that “value of trust” needs improvement.

Marking any or all of 3, 9, 10 “true” indicates that “empathy” is not a strongpoint.

Marking any or all of 1, 5, 12 “false” shows that “respect” may be lacing in your relationship.

Marking any or all of 2, 4, 8 “false” means that “stability of commitment” may be a problem.



16-18    Relationship is very good

13-15    Relationship is only fair…needs help

8-12      Relationship is very problematic and lacks strength

Below 8  Relationship needs immediate help to survive            Dr. Lenore Millian      (203) 313-1208

Office in Woodcliff Lake, NJ


But I DO Talk to Strangers…YOU!

October 19, 2010

How to Communicate with Your Partner

Who are you?  You’re my partner, my companion, my source of comfort, my lover, the other parent to our kids…But, WHO are you?

So often, people in either first or second time around relationships claim that they cannot talk to each other.  Some feel that they virtually are married (or partnered) to strangers.  Just who is this person sharing my life…what is this person thinking or feeling?

The only way to develop a “genuine intimacy” in a relationship is to disclose a very personal part of yourself to the other person: your feelings, your thoughts.  These are the essence of who YOU are as a person.  In so doing, you are trusting that your partner will value your disclosure and become that much more bonded with you…enriched by your very presence.  You will then nurture your relationship, much like water and sunlight nurture a garden.

Some patients in my practice want a quick recipe for improving their communication skills because they realize that these skills are so critical to developing and maintaining a loving, solid relationship.  While there are no “shortcuts” in achieving good communication, the following are tried and true guidelines:

1)    LISTEN to each other; Listening is the most important part of communication skills.  Often, our partner’s mind is so busy with a retort to our statement, that REAL understanding of the partner’s message is impossible.  LISTEN!

2)    PARAPHRASE your partner’s words in order to make certain that you have an accurate reflection of her/his thoughts.  Keep in mind that your comprehension of someone’s thoughts is subject to your own experiences, and therefore, may be a distortion of the meaning.

3)    PROBLEM SOLVING:  You and your partner need to set aside a time and a place in which discussions will be conducted.  The agenda should be planned in advance.  Trying to resolve a grievance when the grievance arises, is ill advised.  Discussing the issue at a neutral time makes it more likely that the problem will be resolved effectively.

1.     Begin with a positive statement.
2.     Be specific.
3.     Define the problem.
4.     Be brief.
5.     Discuss only one problem at a time.
6.     Keep it current (no throwing in problems from the past)
7.     Focus on solutions and COMPROMISE.
8.     DESCRIBE the behavior that is upsetting to you and the changes you would like to be made.  (Of course, that goes for BOTH of you!).
9.     FINAL agreements should be in writing so that they are clear to each partner.

LOVE each other, and acknowledge how very lucky you are to have found one another in this life.  Enriching your relationship will be a lifetime treasure of rewards.

The Second Wives Club book cover