STRESS, ALCOHOL & BUSINESS TRAVEL…their Effects on Relationships…and Getting Past Them

Stress is something that all of us experience every day of our lives.  A certain amount of stress is productive because it keeps us alert as we adapt to changes in our environment.  Stress occurs any time we contemplate a change in the direction of our lives, confront a situation we feel is threatening, or have to adjust to either our thoughts or actions to meet new circumstances.

 

Each time a stress reaction occurs, it requires tremendous energy and places great strain on many of the body’s systems.  It is not unusual for many people to experience this stress reaction several times a day on a regular basis, resulting in enormous wear and tear on the body and the mind.

 

Effects of business travel on an individual may be severe stress and a host of stress-related illnesses.  Additionally, there are problems such as alienation and loneliness with consequent family and marital strife often caused or exacerbated by separation.  These frustrations often lead to anxiety, depression, alcoholism and being unfaithful.

 

Experts on alcoholism say that people with drinking problems tend to gravitate toward jobs that require travel.  Some of these experts believe that there is a higher rate of alcoholism in those who travel extensively for their careers than there is among non-travelers.  Travel affords the drinker not only the freedom to drink, but the freedom to suffer a hangover in private.

 

Unfortunately, there are few studies of the effects of prolonged travel on business women and men.  Employers appear to be skipping over this particular aspect of corporate life perhaps for economic reasons.  Few companies have enacted programs aimed at preventing problems generated by frequent or extensive travel.

 

However, it seems that a growing number of businesses have offered stress management workshops that focus on teaching participants to cope with stress and manage its effects.  The most common techniques are concerned with learning to relax and ease tension.  The first involves breathing systematically; the second technique involves learning progressive muscle relaxation while using the breathing techniques.  Thirdly, it is helpful to learn how to control your thoughts during relaxation via the art of meditation.  Finally, regular physical activity is known to be a catalyst for stress reduction.  Additionally, some individuals may find it helpful to seek counseling while participating in a stress management program.

 

There are also specific plays to minimize the time pressures in travel.  When you control the small time pressures, big problems appear to be more manageable.  According to Ross A. Weber, Professor of Management at the Wharton School of Business:

 

1.  When waiting for your plane to load, don’t rush to the gate immediately.  Rather, wait for others to board and avoid the frantic rush.  It’s easier than waiting on line.

2.  When deplaning, don’t bounce out of your seat.  Instead, enjoy the spectacle of seeing your fellow passengers jostling each other just to save a few minutes.

3.  Do not run to catch a bus, train or plane.  If you do miss it, you could have an unexpected bonus of time…an isolated period that could be put to use working on material, or simply relaxing.

4.  When driving, don’t frantically and dangerously shift lanes to seek the shortest line to approach a toll booth.  Rather, accept the line most convenient, even if it is the longest.  A minute or two later really isn’t going to make a difference in your life.

5.  While commuting, occasionally drive a different, perhaps longer and less busy route – it will be small adventure that relaxes the tension.

 

Remember, it is entirely up to practice what I like to call “enlightened selfishness”, which simply means taking very good care of yourself as a responsible, mature adult.  Taking care of yourself first, means that only then can you be effective in being responsible for others.

THE MAGIC OF FORGIVENESS By Lenore Millian, Ph.D.

What does forgiveness have to do with good health and a good marriage?

When we think that an injustice has been done to us and we’ve been vulnerable and hurt…what are we to do?  However, holding onto revenge and anger has a very real effect on our immune system.  We become more vulnerable to many types of diseases because these vengeful thoughts translate into stress responses.  This may result in them becoming the underlying factors in many psychosomatic and bodily illnesses.  Research supports this repeatedly…our general health is affected by holding onto vindictive thoughts…whether you are the revenge taker, or the revenge receiver.  Both ways, you are on the losing end.

Forgiveness is the process of letting go of the past and opening  to the future.  It is a way of releasing ourselves from the pain we have experienced at the hands of others.

Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves…it helps us to become free from the pain and anger we feel.  It is truly a GIFT TO OURSELVES.  Forgiving the person at whom you are angry releases you from the very transgression that was done to you.

Forgiveness can free us from all the entanglements of the past.  It helps us to let go of the negative feelings, and gives us a sense of control over our lives.  This anger that we tend to hold onto can tighten around our necks like a noose and prevent us from moving on with our lives.

Sometimes, we as marriage partners, commit an act against one another which is the discovery that your husband/wife is having an affair.  It is rightfully perceived as the ultimate of betrayals and the harbinger of divorce.  How does one get past this hurt…how is trust ever to be had in such a marriage?  Would you be willing to give up what you HAD because his/her betrayal rendered your marriage into a charade?

In her book on anger, Carol Travis talks about forgiveness in 5 basic steps:

1.  Remembering in detail what happened, how it made us feel, understanding the other person and hearing what they thought happened and how they experienced it.

2. After forgiveness comes reconciliation.  Reconciliation is the HIGHEST POINT OF HEALING.  With reconciliation, one has to eliminate old patterns and create a basis for healthy emotional interaction.

3. Please refer at this time to the “Techniques for Achieving Forgiveness” below.

4. Remember: Divorce is easy…achieving marital reconciliation and the subsequent forgiveness is a struggle…but well worth it.

TECHNIQUES: PROBLEM RESOLUTION

& SUBSEQUENT  FORGIVENESS

1. Ask yourself what forgiveness means to you.

2. Ask yourself what forgiving the other person means to you.

3. Ask yourself what you could have done differently to prevent the conflict from arising in the first place.

4. Ask yourself what your expectations of the other person are.

5. Using role reversal, ask yourself to become the other person, and say what you think the other person feels or thinks.

6. Set an empty chair in front of you and imagine that the other person has died, and that their spirit is in the chair.  What do you want to say to that other person’s spirit?

7. Give yourself permission to speak of your anger, pain, and rage.  Realize that these feelings are normal.

8. Ask yourself to write down the strongest reason why you cannot forgive the other person.  Write down that sentence over and over until you become bored with it or until an idea occurs of how you can overcome this obstacle.

9. Make up a story of how it would feel to you if you were to forgive the other person.  Contrast that to how you presently feel and the cost of non-forgiveness.

10. Ask yourself what it would take to forgive the other person, and why.

11. First, visualize and then create a ceremony or ritual to complete the healing process, eg. shaking hands, kissing, writing a forgiveness poem to the other person.

12. Visualize hateful, unforgiving thoughts in a brick-tied bottle floating out to sea.

13. Write a letter to the person with whom you are angry…don’t mail.

14. Visualize how wonderful it would feel to have peace and love in your heart instead of all-consuming anger and resentment.

15. Make the decision to forgive.  Enjoy the release and the happiness that comes from forgiving.

ASK A PSYCHOTHERAPIST

Dr. Lenore Millian

Bergen County, NJ Psychologist

Stress… and the Holidays (What Happened to “Happy” and “Joyous”?)

Aren’t we entitled to be happy and joyous during the holiday season?  It IS supposed to be a magical time when dreams come true and our wishes are granted.  Indeed, the “holidays” are predetermined to be a rapturous reflection of our ideal holiday moments.  We tend to depend upon these memories (selective as though they may be) to sustain us when things get tough as we enter the holiday season.

However, it seems that many times stress during the holidays takes over our minds and bodies.  Life can become overwhelming just stretching to handle the many extra activities that are added to our days.  Each time a stress reaction occurs, it drains us of our energy.  In other words, thoughts such as “I MUST make the perfect turkey”, or “What does Aunt Sally really want as a gift?”, or “How can I possibly fit in another party?” can be disastrous to you as a person.  It can fiercely impact you as a spouse, as a partner, as a parent, and as an employee.

If you find yourself suffering some of the physical symptoms of stress (such as headaches, nausea, indigestion, sleeping problems, fatigue, etc.), here are some tips to help you manage your stress (it cannot be eliminated…just managed).

1.  Organize yourself in order to control what’s going on in your life.  For example, make lists and then check the chores off as you complete them.

2.  Use a calendar to plan out your days and weeks.  For example, Nov. 18 – buy spices for your holiday dinner, Dec. 3 – bring decorations out of the attic.

3.  Prioritize the demands made upon your time (not everything has equal importance).

4.  Say “NO” before you exceed your energy level.  (There’s just so much you can do!).  You don’t have to comply with every request made by family and friends.  Don’t wait until you are frazzled…you’re entitled to say “NO”!

5.  Make certain that your expectations are realistic (how many hours do we have in a day?).

6.  Take frequent breaks when involved in holiday preparation,  It helps you to gain perspective if you walk around the block, read a magazine and so forth.

7.  Don’t neglect to eat properly…you’ll feel better and much more in control of yourself.

8.  Remember…taking good care of yourself is your FIRST priority (or you will be unable to take care of anyone else).  For example,  a hungry wait-staff person cannot have the patience or stamina needed to be a competent server; she/he has to feel comfortably full before serving.

9.  Tackle one job at a time, one day at a time.  If everything doesn’t get done, it isn’t the “end of the world”.  Your need for perfection only leads to more stress.

10. Most importantly, accept yourself for who you are…a person with a heart full of love to give yourself (and others) a truly meaningful, though perhaps imperfect, holiday gift… a STRESSLESS you!

 

 

 

 

 

But I DO Talk to Strangers…YOU!

How to Communicate with Your Partner

Who are you?  You’re my partner, my companion, my source of comfort, my lover, the other parent to our kids…But, WHO are you?

So often, people in either first or second time around relationships claim that they cannot talk to each other.  Some feel that they virtually are married (or partnered) to strangers.  Just who is this person sharing my life…what is this person thinking or feeling?

The only way to develop a “genuine intimacy” in a relationship is to disclose a very personal part of yourself to the other person: your feelings, your thoughts.  These are the essence of who YOU are as a person.  In so doing, you are trusting that your partner will value your disclosure and become that much more bonded with you…enriched by your very presence.  You will then nurture your relationship, much like water and sunlight nurture a garden.

Some patients in my practice want a quick recipe for improving their communication skills because they realize that these skills are so critical to developing and maintaining a loving, solid relationship.  While there are no “shortcuts” in achieving good communication, the following are tried and true guidelines:

1)    LISTEN to each other; Listening is the most important part of communication skills.  Often, our partner’s mind is so busy with a retort to our statement, that REAL understanding of the partner’s message is impossible.  LISTEN!

2)    PARAPHRASE your partner’s words in order to make certain that you have an accurate reflection of her/his thoughts.  Keep in mind that your comprehension of someone’s thoughts is subject to your own experiences, and therefore, may be a distortion of the meaning.

3)    PROBLEM SOLVING:  You and your partner need to set aside a time and a place in which discussions will be conducted.  The agenda should be planned in advance.  Trying to resolve a grievance when the grievance arises, is ill advised.  Discussing the issue at a neutral time makes it more likely that the problem will be resolved effectively.

HINTS:
1.     Begin with a positive statement.
2.     Be specific.
3.     Define the problem.
4.     Be brief.
5.     Discuss only one problem at a time.
6.     Keep it current (no throwing in problems from the past)
7.     Focus on solutions and COMPROMISE.
8.     DESCRIBE the behavior that is upsetting to you and the changes you would like to be made.  (Of course, that goes for BOTH of you!).
9.     FINAL agreements should be in writing so that they are clear to each partner.

LOVE each other, and acknowledge how very lucky you are to have found one another in this life.  Enriching your relationship will be a lifetime treasure of rewards.